1) David Dimbleby
A general election without Dimbleby would be like...a thing without another thing that is very important. (I've slept about as much as Gordon Brown, excuse me). As such, the Dimbster has been on duty from 10pm last night to 9 am. And, as I type, he's back on again.
This man is superhuman. It took an attack by a bull to get him to take his first week off hosting Question Time in decades. Presumably whenever the camera went over to Emily Maitlis on her massive iPad, Dimbleby was taking a bump of cocaine. And all this in the name of democracy.
There were moments when the sleep-deprivation seemed to take its toll, however - and thus the Dimblenator provided my favourite moment of the whole election. Considering the role of the Queen in the event of a hung parliament, Dimbleby announced: 'We go now to our Royalty correspondent, standing outside Buckingham Palace - *absent-mindedly* the Palace...of Buckingham...' Brilliant.
Honourable mention must go, of course, to the other BBC presenters who stayed up well past their bedtimes in the name of news (the aforemtioned Emily Maitlis, Robert Peston, Andrew Marr, baldy Conservato-twat Nick Robinson et al.) but without the Dimbleby British democracy would somehow be far worse off.
Speaking of the state of our so-called Democracy...
2) The Literally Disenfranchised
The only story to overtake the General Election itself was the shocking news of people being kept in enormous queues (and in the rain some places) while an insufficient number of bureaucrats faffed about and denied everybody the right to vote when the clocks struck 10. This is a disgrace, of course, and the electoral commission is going to launch a 'thorough' investigation into the matter.
But the sheer civility of the shafted voters made me so proud to be British. Footage quickly emerged of angry non-voters having a go at polling station staff, and there were plenty of angry interviews to news cameras. Said one: "there were hundreds - particularly young voters - who were queuing for an hour and a half, and I think that it is just not right when hundreds later found themselves unable to excersie their right when the polls closed." Another said, "We've been disenfranchised, and it's not on!"
This is what the British do when denied a fundamental right - queue, and complain. Imagine this in any other country. How would the French react? Or the Greeks, or Romanians, Koreans, you name it? These people showed tremendous patience, lined up in an orderly fashion, became very very displeased and then decided not to kill anyone. I'm not trying to trivialise what was done to these people, and protest in many places went beyond tut tutting and finger wagging (in Hackney they organised a sit-in, and in Sheffield Hallam voters went to Nick Clegg's house with their poll cards to protest). The revolutionary potential of the British is in doubt, but I feel bloody proud all the same.
*Apologies to readers here: my dipshit cunt fucking twat of a shitty fuckwit bastard laptop has just cockblocked me from being able to upload pictures and videos for some fucking reason. 'Technological Revolution' my acheing arse*
2) Caroline Lucas
According to Reuben at the Third Estate, the Green Party assistant press officer was 'almost in tears with ecstacy' over what was, in my view, the most significant win of the whole election. Caroline Lucas, the incredibly impressive and talented leader of the the Green Party, took Brighton Pavilion last night in a close race, and thus Lucas is the UK's first ever Green Member of Parliament.
Now, the strong impression I got from this video, and from the reporting on the election campaign in Brighton, is that the people who voted Green are mostly insufferable arsehole Bohemian types who read the Grauniad, eat organic and...no matter: they won this seat, and well done to them (I guess).
We now have a guaranteed sane person in the Commons, and a real radical.
Good luck Caroline, you'll need it.
3) Mariella Frostrup
Now, if my fucking shit eating bastard motherfucker of a laptop worked as a fucking laptop was meant to, I'd be able to put up a nice picture of the really rather dishy Mariella 'thinking man's crumpet' Frostrup up here, but I can't, for the aforementioned reasons. (I can't even link to a nice picture, as that isn't working either, so just pop 'Mariella Frostrup' into Google images if you require a visual aid).
Anyway. At a very odd election-night event on a boat, featuring everyone from Joan Collins to Simon Schama (really), Andrew Neil sat down with Toby Young, Ian Hislop and Mariella to fill time before the next seat was declared. The subject of the reaction of the financial world was raised (the bankers didn't like the idea of ther Tories not having a big enough majority, and thus the Pound took a dive as uncertainty set in).
From what I could tell, Mariella Frostrup was the only person to challenge the infuriating attitude of every commentator thus far that the whims of completely unaccountable bankers should be considered a perfectly natural part of a general election. Frostrup was visably appalled at Neil's mention of the views and retaliatory actions of the City, and told him outright. He made the case that we should mind what the bankers have to say through their manipulation of the currency, as it's 'their' money the government must pay back, but she slapped that back in his face by saying that it's a disgrace we've become so reliant on the markets in this way in the first place. And right she is.
Later on Stephanie Flanders gave us a full update on the City's reaction, and, again, at no point was the obvious mentioned: that, during an ostensibly democratic election, perhaps the views of finance, expressed in a Ponzi-scheme, shouldn't concern us as much as the views of the elecorate expressed via the ballot box; and that maybe it's a disgrace that business interests are allowed to tank a currency when it doesn't like what the People have decided.
4) Margaret Hodge
Hodge (Labour) managed to soundly defeat Nick Griffin, which is a relief; but the beating the fat goggle-eyed Nazi cunt isn't why she's on this list. Before the declaration for Barking, she gave an interview with Jeremy Paxman, and very confidently dropped the F-bomb several times. The election in Barking, she said, was a defence of 'Democratic values against Fascist values'.
The BNP needs to be called out for what it is: our very own Fascist party. But this isn't said nearly enough. So fuck them. And well done Hodge.
And that's it, I think.
Oh, it should be mentioned that Evan Harris, the Lib Dem MP for Oxford West and Abingdon, lost his seat at this election. This is a phenomenal shame those of us who value science, reason and secularism, all of which Harris worked to defend against an increasing tide of irrationalism. Thus it was Harris who asked a Homeopath in a select committee on the subject of 'alternative' (i.e. unproven) medicine: "So, what about all the poo?", and he also played a decisive part in abolishing the laws covering 'blasphemous libel', for which he won an award from the National Secular Society.
Let's hope he's back in office as soon as bloody possible.
This was my first general election, and if you must know I'm one of an exclusive club of just 1,021 individuals who voted Green in Chipping Barnet. I remember someone once saying that you could pop a blue rossette round a cabbage and it would still get elected here. No matter. The Greens never had a chance in this constituency, but Lucas's win in Brighton made me very happy, as you can imagine.
That's all for now. Stay tuned for an interview with badass Marxist geographer David Harvey. Not that anyone's there. Who are you talking to? Shut up!....
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